Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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