ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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