I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
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