Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
