I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
