feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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