You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
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