go do what you do best...puke behind churches
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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