He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
