I'm drive I can fine osifer
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
