Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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