whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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