Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
