Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
