Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
