he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
