I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
