Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
