I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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