The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
