I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
