just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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