I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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