I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
