My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
