My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize