Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
