im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
