Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
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