I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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