i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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