I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
