Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
