Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
