when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
