im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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