I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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