remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
