I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
