obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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