FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
