the condom got lost in my hair
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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