Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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