Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
