I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
