got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
