I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
