Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
