So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
