i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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